BBS in a Box 3/BBS in a box - Trilogy III.iso/Files/Tele/C/Cookie Folder/Humorous Sayings and Misc.

Text File | 1992-08-04 | 22.2 KB | 756 lines | [TEXT/MACA]

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There are two kinds of lawyers, those that
know the law and those that know the judge.
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A drug is a substance which, when injected into a rat,
will produce a scientific report.
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“We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat’s next-to-last theorem.”
    - Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
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Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
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Many are cold, but few are frozen.
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It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
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We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
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A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
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Those who can, do; those who can’t, simulate.
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In this world, truth can wait; she’s used to it.
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A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
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Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
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What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking
somebody to do it.
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To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
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You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
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A king’s castle is his home.
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Many are called, few volunteer.
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Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
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Today is the last day of your life so far.
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Do not clog intellect’s sluices
With bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
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Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
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The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
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What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
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Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
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Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
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All that glitters has a high refractive index.
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I am a computer. I am dumber than any human
and smarter than an administrator.
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Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
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A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
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Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
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After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
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You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
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Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn’t help either.
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Sex, Drugs, and HyperCard!
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Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
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If God had wanted you to go around nude,
He would have given you bigger hands.
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Blessed are they that run around in circles,
for they shall be known as wheels.
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Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen at once.
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The man who raises his voice first has lost the argument.
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You shouldn’t try to teach a pig to sing.
You waste your time and it annoys the pig.
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He who hesitates is miles away from the next freeway exit.
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Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it’s the only one we’ve got.
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The more things change, the more they’ll never be the same again.
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Those who can, do.
Those who can’t, teach.
Those who can’t teach, administrate.
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It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.
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The proof is left to the student as a pudding.
The student is in the pudding as an exercise.
The exercise is proof of the student.
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I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
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Girls don’t give hugs if your code has bugs.
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Never argue with a fool.
Others may not be able to tell the difference.
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If it jams, force it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
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Anything that isn’t nailed down is mine.
Anything I can pry loose isn’t nailed down.
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The probability of the bread falling jelly-side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
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The person who can smile when something goes wrong has
obviously thought of someone to blame it on.
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The difference between capitalism and socialism is that in capitalism, man
exploits man, while in socialism it’s the other way around.
    - Polish Proverb
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Subtlety is the art of saying what you think,
and getting out of the way before it is understood.
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To the systems programmers, the customers
and users serve only as a test load.
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Before they made you they broke the mold.
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A whole hog is better than no hog at all.
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Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
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Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
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If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
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Illinois isn’t exactly the land that God forgot -- it’s more like the
land He’s trying to ignore.
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Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
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The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
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A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she’d look stout in a fur coat.
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Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
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Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
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Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without
looking to see whether the seeds move.
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The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
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Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
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Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must be good
because the programmers hate it so much.
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It is easier to write an incorrect program
than understand a correct one.
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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For a man to truly understand rejection,
he must first be ignored by a cat.
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Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
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For perfect happiness, remember two things:
    (1) Be content with what you’ve got.
    (2) Be sure you’ve got plenty.
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Do not meddle in the affairs of troff,
for it is subtle and quick to anger.
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Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
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The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.
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When all other means of communication fail, try words.
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Polymer physicists are into chains.
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
    - The Old Farmer’s Almanac
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Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it’s not cockroaches.
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Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and
captain of your soul.
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If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you;
but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.
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Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you from
enjoying it.
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A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who
has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for
further procrastination.
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Is your program running?  You’d better go catch it!
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Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of
anybody’s ego.
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The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
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All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
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Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
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Sauron is alive in Argentina!
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In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
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Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
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It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck? One in a
million, perhaps.
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Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
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All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
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The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we’ve finished building it.
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Life is like a simile.
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By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
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A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
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Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.
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You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
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If today is the first day of the rest of your life,
what the hell was yesterday?
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If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should
see how bad it is with representation.
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Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
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In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred syrup.
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“Virtual” means never knowing where your next byte
is coming from.
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If everything is coming your way then you’re in the wrong lane.
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A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.
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                       ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy schnappen
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.  Ist nicht
fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in
das pockets.  Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
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Cleanliness is next to impossible.
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People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
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Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
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Life is like an analogy.
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F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
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F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
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Life is like a buffet; it’s not good but there’s plenty of it.
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How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took
seven others to beat him!
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If money can’t buy happiness, I guess you’ll just have to rent it.
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Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
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Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
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Predestination was doomed from the start.
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No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence
identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied
occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one
identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence.
    - ALGOL 68 Report
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Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
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Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time
to take the dirt out of them?
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Expect the worst, it’s the least you can do.
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Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
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It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
future.
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Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, “There’s a time for work and a time for play,” never find the time for play?
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Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
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If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn’t a horse.
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What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
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God is real, unless declared integer.
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It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong
direction.
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One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
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               AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would
completely cover the Sahara Desert.
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               AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
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We have only 2 things to worry about:  That things will never get back to
normal, and that they already have.
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Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
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No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.
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The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
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It’s always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
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Always try to do things in chronological order;
it’s less confusing that way.
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As Zeus said to Narcissus, “Watch yourself.”
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Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get
another chance later on.
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VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
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Test-tube babies shouldn’t throw stones.
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One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
new model.
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APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.
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There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
reflexes.
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Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has a 150
MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen
resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for
input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What’s the first question that
the computer community asks?

“Is it PC compatible?”
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If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
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Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
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You can make it illegal, but you can’t make it unpopular.
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A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth
knowing.
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Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
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Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
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Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
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Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough to
understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
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Save energy: be apathetic.
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If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
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All extremists should be taken out and shot.
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An American is a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the President but is
always polite to traffic cops.
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As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
    - USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
      computer system.
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The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in
order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in
order to get results.
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Help fight continental drift.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
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Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the
Sun.
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To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
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Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
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To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
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Re graphics:
    A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
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While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
position.
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Laetrile is the pits
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God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
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A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is,
pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
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Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
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A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
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Bell Labs UNIX -- Reach out and grep someone.
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A LISP programmer knows the value of everything,
but the cost of nothing.
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Don’t hit a man when he’s down -- kick him; it’s easier.
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They also surf who only stand on waves.
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Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman and stop
her.
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It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
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Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don’t, why you should.
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Down with categorical imperative!
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Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
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Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
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Error in operator: add beer
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The one good thing about repeating your mistakes
is that you know when to cringe.
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Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
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A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
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Disk space -- the final frontier!
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Love your enemies: they’ll go crazy trying
to figure out what you’re up to.
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There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
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A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money,
as well as afterward.
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Play Rogue, visit exotic locations,
meet strange creatures and kill them.
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And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
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It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
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Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking
distance.
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When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
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War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
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You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You’re not paid enough to worry.
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Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
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Don’t get even -- get odd!
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Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
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Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
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Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
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Heisenberg may have slept here.
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Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
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You know you’ve been spending too much time on the computer when your friend
misdates a check, and you suggest adding a “++” to fix it.
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Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it is fun trying.
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Absence makes the heart go wander.
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Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can
be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work.
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To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
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Ask your boss to reconsider - it’s so difficult
to take “Go to hell” for an answer.
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Real Programmers don’t write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide
whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
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Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is for
compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.  They wear neckties
and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
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Real programmers don’t draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate’s form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good
it did them.
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Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has
limitations, software doesn’t.  It’s a real shame that Turing machines are so
poor at I/O.
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Real programmers don’t comment their code.  It was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand.
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Real Users know your home telephone number.
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Real programmers don’t write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
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Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but
they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
implement.  Most computer scientists don’t notice this because they are still
arguing over what else to add to ADA.
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Real computer scientists don’t comment their code.  The identifiers are so long
they can’t afford the disk space.
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Real software engineers don’t debug programs, they verify correctness. This
process doesn’t necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
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Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program
doesn’t deliver it.
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One incompetent manager can negate the
work of dozens of excellent engineers.
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This place is a hotbed of inertia.
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Just because something is scientifically true,
doesn’t mean it’s not weird.
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The next system crash is just a 1/60 of a second away.
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To be is to do.
-- Camus
To do is to be.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do
-- Sinatra
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To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
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May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth
with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
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Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.
“Yes” is the answer.
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Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
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Know thyself.
If you need help, call the C.I.A.
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Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence in society.
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A day for firm decisions!!!
-- Or is it?
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UFO’s are for real;
the Air Force doesn’t exist.
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The way to make a small fortune in the stock market
is to start with a large fortune.
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The trouble with being punctual is that people think
you have nothing more important to do.
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There has been an alarming increase in the number of things
you know nothing about.
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Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
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Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
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How come wrong numbers are never busy?
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Murphy’s law is recursive.
Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work.
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How sharper than a hound’s tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
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When you are in it up to your ears keep your mouth shut.
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The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left-handed people are in their right mind.
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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
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A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
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It has been proven impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.
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What the hell, put all your eggs in one basket.
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All wrong numbers are the same person.
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How do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
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Bruce Willis' Physics Question:
    A Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How do it know?
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Coito ergo sum.
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    Keep your eye on the ball
    your shoulder to the wheel,
    your nose to the grind-stone,
    your feet on the ground,
    your head on your shoulders,
    now, try and get something done!
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An abstainer is a weak person who yields
to the temptation of denying himself pleasure.
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The goal of Science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of Nature is to build better mice.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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If bankers can count, how come they have
eight windows and only four tellers?
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Those who cannot write, write manuals.
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Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
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The brain is a wonderful instrument;
it starts working the moment you get up
and doesn't stop until you get to work.
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According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
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Due to a shortage of devoted followers,
the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
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Dyslexics, Untie!
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Separatists, Unite!
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Personifiers, Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
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Individualists, Unite!
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Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
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The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
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